That’s what I want to know from you. Yes, you. The idiot in the Chevy Suburban that I was following this morning. Don’t you understand the fundamentals of driving in an urban environment?

For those of you who don’t let me provide my own little top ten list. From the home office in Sugar Hill, Ga.

Newman’s Top 10 List of Things that will make you a better driver

1. Since you obviously can’t do more than one thing at a time, hang up your damn cell phone and drive your car.
2. When you are driving 5 miles under the speed limit in rush hour on a two lane road, and the roads turns into a four lane, GET IN THE RIGHT-HAND LANE. You are slow. You are impeding my progress, as well as the 50 cars lined up behind me waiting on your slow ass.
3. If you see a large green SUV coming at you at high speed, I encourage you to try to make that turn in your Yugo. This won’t make you a better driver, but it will take you out of the gene pool.
4. Suburban house wives take note: The fact that hubby can afford a land mass with wheels doesn’t mean that you can drive one. If you’re a crappy driver in a Honda Civic, you’re only going to imperil other drivers when you get behind the wheel of a truly destructive machine.
5. Pay attention to the traffic light. When it turns green, you’d better be moving.
6. No, really. I can see you picking your nose. (It doesn’t have anything to do with your driving ability, but it does make you look stupid.)
7. Hey! You idiot kid! Stop trying to race me in your Geo Metro, and start learning how to drive. Turn the radio down too. Your music sucks to everyone but you.
8. Understand that if it were not for nimrods like you, there would be no traffic.
9. Rubbernecking an accident makes traffic go slower. If you’d just understand that, your life would improve ten-fold.
10. Understand that I probably drive better then you. Get out of my way, and try not to be surprised when I cut you off or go around you. It’s because you are stupid.

Now, having said that, I have to harken back to the wise words of…well, of someone.

"The one thing that all human beings share, without regard to class, race, or religion, is that we each think we’re better drivers than we actually are."

I think I am an exceptional driver. At high speeds or tricky manuevers, I’m convinced that I’m the love child of James Bond and Mario Andretti. My father, who IS an exceptional driver, is convinced that I cannot drive anything more complicated than a tricycle. The truth probably falls somewhere in the middle, which makes me an above-average driver.

So I feel qualified to point out your shortcomings. I’m not talking to everyone here, just the idiots. And you know who you are. You drive 45 in a 50 zone. You drive in the left-hand land on the interstate at less than 75 miles an hour. You back into parking spaces, and straddle the line in the attempt. You know who you are.

And you’ve got to stop it. Really. Like now.