Note: This is a creative telling of the time I almost drove JStagg’s Celica into the Occonee river. This story is true. Friends, don’t let friends drive tired.

The Occonnee River Saga
(to the tune of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald)

(Reprinted with kind permission from J. Stagg.)

The legend lives on from the Perimeter on down
To the big riv’r called the Occonnee.
A Celica so blue with a tired crew of two
Makin’ tracks for old towne Savannah.

The fog was so thick that Kris couldn’t see a lick
Particular the edge of the roadway.
Jim was asleep in the passenger seat
Unaware that fate was a knockin’.

At 4:00 am, Jim woke and said,
“Kris, what was that horrible thumping?”
Kris said “Not now. We have many miles to go.
Later, I’ll tell you ’bout the river.”

Jim said, “Okay,” and returned to his haze
Where he had been quietly sleeping.
At 4:01 am, it occurred to Jim
That something really bad had almost happen’d.

So he awoke and said “Tell me what broke
Or what did you do to my car?”
A cunning evader, Kris just mumbled “Later.”
And stared intently at th’ roadway.

Jim said “No way. Tell me, okay?”
I swear I won’t do you no damage.”
Kris said “it’s like this. We almost fell in the drink.
I had a small nap at the wheel.”

“I felt a bad rumbling, no, more of a jarring
And that awoke me from slumber.
As I opened my eyes, a terrible sight.
A sign saying ‘Occonnee River’.”

“I realized just then ‘We’re on the median’,
And swerved back just before the bridge start’d.
Disaster avert’d. ‘Holy shit,’ I blurted
And realized our close brush with heaven.”

Jim sat in his seat, quietly mused the feat
That had almost put them in the river.
He turned to Kris, said “I can’t be pissed.
At least you didn’t dent my car.”